Individualism - murdered

My mum wanted to visit me on my birthday while I wished to spend the day all by myself. She prevailed. I ended up spending the day in crowded shopping malls, visiting mum’s relatives and friends, and finally someone’s birthday party.

I did not spend any time for myself.

One early morning, my uncle came to my apartment unannounced and made my home his for weeks. He spared nothing. He slept on my bed, scribbled all over the newspaper before anyone could read it, used my toiletries, cell phone and anything and everything I possibly could think of. I asked him to spare the newspaper.

I am now his preposterous nephew.

I was in a meeting at office the other day and the man who sat next to me did not bring a pen or a book even though he knew they are required. He asked me for a paper and I provided him one. Next, he asked me for the pen I had. I told him that I do not share my pen with other people. He did not even seem to care, he plucked the pen from me and started to scribble vigorously.

The tip of my pen bled, leaving a thick blue smudge on the paper as it suffered in his monstrous hand.

Blurry to Blind/Bright - D day

I know it before hand if my day is going to be good. There are these cryptic signs that prop and tell me that I am going to have a great day. Today, the signs came back to wish me luck. I woke up to Toshila's Anbudan Suryan FM and she was at her best as ever. Come 8 AM and I moved over to the TV. Sun music was amazing. It belted out hit after hit and the VJs spoke as little as possible. I went to the saloon to have my head shaved. I realised later that it was a very good thing to do if the doctor was going to ask you to refrain from washing your head and face for a week. My last shower for a week to come! 12 PM the taxi arrived. Canal bank road, IIT Madras, Kottur Puram, Frost & Sullivan, Star Rocks, Raja Eye Care.

cash-counter-woman: Sir, we have had some problem with the billing. I think. I think we billed you twice.

Another round of Snellen's chart and other tests and I am in.

he-doc: Could you take off your glasses? I am going to clean your eyes.

He opened a pack and took out a new 'plastic' surgery gown and got me into it. Then came a cap. And socks! I would be better off to call them as polyethylene bags with elastic at the top. I was whisked into the operation theatre, made to lie down on a table and wrapped in a 'plastic' blanket. The table moved by itself until my head came under a set of three lamps which looked like miniature flood lights in a cricket ground.

she-doc: prasanna, I am going to put this sheet on your face so that only your right eye is open for the procedure.
me: (Are you my blood relative? How did you know to call me prasanna?)

The plastic sheet had mild glue that made sure my eye lashes were stuck behind the sheet.

she-doc: I am going to pour a liquid into your eye and it is going to be cold. I am going to wash your eyes.
she-doc: Can you see a green light at the top. Keep looking at it and it will be over in a minute.
she-doc: I am going to make a flap and so stay steady
me: (why is my bum aching? god-damn-it. I must have remembered to take that 5 rupee coin out of my purse.)
The blurry green became blurrier.
she-doc: I am going to pass laser now. So don't try to blink or move your eyes.
It sounded like a driller on a metal sheet.
me: (what if my phone rings now? Have I got it in vibration mode? It is sometimes good that your friends are not too concerned about you.)
she-doc: I am putting back the flap.
she-doc: Try to blink your eyes slowly. Yeah, that is right. Excellent. It has come out very well.
she-doc: Now we will do it on the left eye.

It was the same procedure. I only had different thoughts now.

me: (what if I voluntarily shake my head? Will I go blind on one eye? Then I can be the new otha kan sivarasan!)
me: (How am I going to pay for this when RPL has trumbled to 210? I am not making a loss in anything. No.)
she-doc: Very good.
me: (Hey, you. Why is it not excellent? Answer me now.)

I was walked out of the theatre and my gown, cap and socks were removed. I was given a box full of eye drops and a glass that was big even to MY face. It covered my entire forehead, eyes and nose. Everytime I wanted to breathe, I had to lift the glasses a little and let some air in to my crushed nostrils.

me: (Why is everything dark? And why are my eyes heavy?)

You-know-who listed out a set of do's and don't and fixed an appointment with the doctor at 11 the next day. During my long ride home my head wouldn't move and my chin was perpendicular to the ground for fear that my opened flaps would fall off if I looked down.

Show time

raja: For god's sake, why don't you put on some clothes?
kiran: why? I used to show it to a lot of people.

La Divine Intervention

jose,

I thought of something philosophical this morning.

If a miracle happens, it is called 'the divine intervention'. It can also be called 'la divine intervention', assuming you still remember a bit of your French. Now read it this way. 'La-di-vine intervention'. Ladi is lady meaning woman. Vine and wine have similar pronunciations and so let’s call it wine. And wine is an alcoholic drink. So doesn’t it mean that when a woman and an alcoholic drink intervene in your life, a miracle happens??

It is said that the most complex things have the simplest solutions and I think this is a great example for it. Live your life with wine in one hand and a woman in the other, and all your life is nothing but a miracle.

raja

Kalyana saapadu

While many of us know that prashanth has a bachelor's degree in engineering, what we do not know is that he has a master's in wedding crashing. During his college days, the last week of every month was a week of empty wallets and grand dreams about the impending big cheque that his dad sent at the beginning of the month. This was the time when the master set out exhibiting his expertise.

Here is an excerpt from prashanth on the do's and dont's of wedding crashing.

- ALWAYS wears your best clothes when you crash weddings.
- Know the bride's and the groom's names
- NEVER crashing the same wedding hall more than thrice a year.
- NEVER go in gangs. Split yourself into groups. If you have many friends, enter in intervals of 15 minutes.
- Confidence is the key. Smile at the lady at the reception and feel free to pick a few toffees from her table.
- NEVER acknowledge your friends at the wedding. They are a nobody to you there.
- DO NOT stare at people.
- Go to the dais and shake hands with the couple and but NEVER pose for photographs.
- STOP staring at the ladies; ESPECIALLY the bride.
- NEVER linger in the hall for a long time. pick up your toffees, sit in a mid row until you have munched all your toffees, go up to the groom and bride, shake hands and head straight to the dining place. Once the job is done, make a move.
- If all is well, ask the beautiful lady at the reception if you could take her place while she went to eat her dinner.
- NEVER feel frightened when caught and always be prepared for a sprint.

Survival lessons – The cheemu way

Back in Bombay, when we were doing our internships, money was scarce. We (cheemu, guji & myself) therefore were holed up in a pigeon hole that was no bigger than a closet. We also didn’t go for extravagant outings during weekends; mainly because we were lazy to venture out. So we stayed at home. I was so lazy to walk to restaurants to eat that I collected all telephone numbers of eateries around the place so I could call them and place orders for home delivery whenever I was hungry. Cheemu was a step further than I was; or anyone I can fathom. Come Friday night, he picked up his telephone and placed orders; one after another, meticulously, for the entire weekend (!) with the time he wanted his meals. That is something we can all try to emulate!

Full Meals - Starters

I have lived away from home for a long time now. I was at a boarding school for a substantial period of my schooling and then at a residential college during my undergrad days. During all those years I have had innumerable friends who grunted at anything and everything edible at the dining halls. To them, mom's recipes were always the best. Me too! My mum makes some of the best dishes I have ever tasted. But I don’t really remember making a fuss out of the food at the hostel. Food was important. I loved to eat the best that was available but I never really cribbed over bad food. Curd rice took care of me when nothing else was available. I was way better than some of my insatiable friends to whom nothing but a full-meals would satiate their appetite.

But life is never the same once you are out by yourself in the real world. It is cruel and dangerous. The bell in my ever-growing belly rang mercilessly at 7 A.M. and 7 P.M. everyday. But there never once was a table of steaming food at the thought of it. It is I who will have to set out in search of sources of food. This search opened up a new world – A world of restaurants, road side eateries, my own experiments at the kitchen and other means of survival.

I plan to post some of those experiences from time to time in honour of my fellow brothers for their valiant struggle against the ringing bell.

dude, where is my...

kiran: prazhandhae, where is my underwear? are you wearing it?

love bite

2 A.M., Thursday morning.

kiran: (jostling a snoring prashanth) Eda prazhandhae, ennika da (prashanth, wake up)
prashanth: Endha da (what is it?)
kiran: If one were to finish B.Sc., what age should she be?
prashanth: tyondy one
kiran: If she did an M.Sc with it?
prashanth: tyondy three

kiran let out a satisfied smile and went back to sleep while prashanth spent the rest of the night watching America's dummest criminals.

Call taxi

I had a chance to speak to a call taxi driver sometime back and this is what he had to say about the operating model of the call taxi company he worked for.

The driver owns the taxi and bears the cost of running it. He has a contract with the taxi company whereby he pays a flat Rs. 4500 a month for the services of the company.The company inturn directs drivers to customers who call for taxis through telephone. Requests for taxis to drivers and the availability of taxis are communicated through radio.

boxed out

11 A.M., another really really busy and nerve wrecking day at work.

Phone rings.

raja: yeah kiran
kiran: why is the iron box not working?

schezwan nights

monday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan fried rice

tuesday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan chicken

wednesday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan noodles

thursday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan beef steak

friday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan shanghai noodles

saturday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan garlic lamb

sunday night, dinner time:
kiran: lets order schezwan fish

Blurry to Blind/Bright - The Night Before

It is like writing your will on a death bed. Why must one pretend to be macho when one is about to die? I must confess; I am afraid; because, for the last few days, there has been a continual flash of dreams of all possible things that could go wrong with the operation. What if the power goes off in the middle of the surgery? I must remember to check The Hindu tomorrow to see if there is a maintenance power shutdown in Nungambakam. What if the doctor mistook right eye’s x-ray as the left eye’s x-ray and the left eye’s x-ray as the right eye’s x-ray as in Mr. Bean at the dentistry? I called up a doctor friend of mine to check the operating doctor’s credentials (a bit late, but late than never) only to find that her number has been terminated. I went to Sathyam to watch Kanna moochi yenada (kanna moochi??) to distract myself. (This could very well be my last movie. How I love movies! Are there Braille movies? I have never heard of them.) But then only the damned surgical animation kept playing on my head. When I think of my head; what if a bunch of hair from my forehead fell into my eyes? I must remember to tonsure it early in the morning tomorrow. A million thoughts. But beyond all that I only hope that I don’t faint on the operation table or run around the hospital road in the green apron with a group of doctors and nurses chasing me. Good luck, doctor.

Blurry to Blind/Bright - Animation

I managed to find a decent looking animation showing the procedures involved in a lasik surgery.

http://www.healthcentral.com/animation/408/42.html