While the world is struggling to cope up with obesity, there is still a minority that struggles to add even a few ounces. I know two from that minority. One keeps a secret that he wouldn't divulge even in his deathbed. He shops for clothes in the kids section. The other's secret is known to all. Whatever he eats and however big that meal is, he has to have a full meals at the end to fill him up. I can't help people like him. But I can help the first one move from the kids section to the main section. So if you are one of the first kind, follow my fail proof advice for exemplary results.
Make use of the weekend. When you return from work on Fridays, order your Saturday's and Sunday's breakfast, lunch and dinner from a nearby take-away/home delivery restaurant. Do not eat veg. Meat is where the mass is. The more legs the animal has, the better. So dogs, cows and sheep are better than fish and chicken. But spare the spiders. Make sure you eat biryani at least once a day. The key to weight gain is minimising your movements. So once you reach home, drag your bed and fridge next to the front door so you don't have to come to the front door to collect your food. Have five or six large plastic shit bags around you. And for the sake of aesthetics, do not use transparent bags. Try to sit still or lie down as much as possible. If possible try to get one of those wooden machines that Jackie Chan uses in his films to fetch him various things and move him around the house. It should not cost you a lot as it is second hand and Chinese. Drink lots of fluids. But do not drink water. Drink beer. Beer will keep you healthy and provide you those precious calories. The only fruit you are allowed to eat is the mango. I can vouch for mangoes. I gained 7 kilos in two month by supplementing my usual diet with 2 cartons of mangoes (over that period). Sleep. Sleeping minimises your body movements. So sleep as much as you can. You will find it hard in the beginning. But once you cross a threshold, you will be tired from the excessive sleeping and will sleep more than before.
That is the weekend plan. The weekdays plan is at a small price. Contact me for
further details.
23 June 2009
Superman
I waited for a full 2.4 days for Boston to update on our trip to the Stonehenge. He is probably training a speech-to-text software to understand his Anglicised thickly Thamizh-accented Indian English to understand him and write a blog for him. While the world can wait, my writer's itch pleads me to dump him and sketch my version of the trip.
Disclaimer: All ideas to this blog are solely mine and no part is stolen from Boston or Aja.
My arctic trip had skinned me to the bones and I had no money left. So I walked to the office for a week. It was weekend but I had to contend to sitting at home when Boston and Aja rang me up. The plan was already made and I was part of it. We were going to the Stonehenge for the solar solstice.
I knew my finances were bleeding. However, I had an ulterior motive to the trip. The Stonehenge was built in ancient times and it is said that the sun strikes the stones in a certain way on the solar solstice. This unusual event brought druids, tramps, gypsies, pagan worshippers and black magicians to the stones. Now, these people are very interesting people and if they were to congregate at the stones on this day, there must be something in it for all of them. Have you not seen movies where the sun strikes a crystal on a certain date and time, which in turn brings enormous power to the person holding the crystal? And I could be that person holding the crystal. I could become the person I have always wanted to be. I could be Superman!
But did I? That will be my little secret. But just to let you know, my underwear has mysteriously crept over my pants.
Disclaimer: All ideas to this blog are solely mine and no part is stolen from Boston or Aja.
My arctic trip had skinned me to the bones and I had no money left. So I walked to the office for a week. It was weekend but I had to contend to sitting at home when Boston and Aja rang me up. The plan was already made and I was part of it. We were going to the Stonehenge for the solar solstice.
I knew my finances were bleeding. However, I had an ulterior motive to the trip. The Stonehenge was built in ancient times and it is said that the sun strikes the stones in a certain way on the solar solstice. This unusual event brought druids, tramps, gypsies, pagan worshippers and black magicians to the stones. Now, these people are very interesting people and if they were to congregate at the stones on this day, there must be something in it for all of them. Have you not seen movies where the sun strikes a crystal on a certain date and time, which in turn brings enormous power to the person holding the crystal? And I could be that person holding the crystal. I could become the person I have always wanted to be. I could be Superman!
But did I? That will be my little secret. But just to let you know, my underwear has mysteriously crept over my pants.
22 June 2009
North Pole - 1
'I think you should sit at home and save some money instead of going out so often.' But staying at home, with nothing much to do and nothing on the TV, with just an idle housemate as you are can spur a lot of things. Now, all the perverts stop reading right here. You have got the seed for your imagination and there is nothing exciting and kinky after this.
What really transpired from the idleness cost me a lot of money. It cost me a little over a thousand pounds - my entire life savings. It all began with one simple question: 'How north can we travel?'
N: So raja, What are you doing this weekend?
raja: Backpacking to the arctic circle.
With a backpack, a new pair of shoes and my debit card I entered Heathrow and cleared all the Norwegian Kroners that all the American Express Forex depots had in stock that day. I was going to be the second Indian (Or at least that is what I thought) to set foot on Longyearbyen, the northern most human settlement in the world.
Confession: I have an ASS* now which will last for the next 7 days. Like common cold, this condition has no cure and will naturally fade away. Because of the condition, I named the post 'North Pole' even though I was a good thousand miles south of the north pole.
* Attention Seeking Syndrome
What really transpired from the idleness cost me a lot of money. It cost me a little over a thousand pounds - my entire life savings. It all began with one simple question: 'How north can we travel?'
N: So raja, What are you doing this weekend?
raja: Backpacking to the arctic circle.
With a backpack, a new pair of shoes and my debit card I entered Heathrow and cleared all the Norwegian Kroners that all the American Express Forex depots had in stock that day. I was going to be the second Indian (Or at least that is what I thought) to set foot on Longyearbyen, the northern most human settlement in the world.
Confession: I have an ASS* now which will last for the next 7 days. Like common cold, this condition has no cure and will naturally fade away. Because of the condition, I named the post 'North Pole' even though I was a good thousand miles south of the north pole.
* Attention Seeking Syndrome
19 June 2009
Second language
There are several advantages to your parents moving cities frequently when you are at school. You don’t have to be in that class where that bullying teacher made your little life miserable. Whether you completed your homework or not, whether you made a 100 or a zero, she always screamed at the entire class – at each one of you.
There is an added advantage if you moved states. If you are stubborn enough to tell the teacher that the second language you studied in your entire 3 years of schooling and the new second language that the new school taught were different; and that your little brain could not accommodate the new second language; and that you wished to maintain your cultural integrity; and if that school did not have a teacher who can teach the second language of your choice, you don’t have to study a second language. It happened to me!
And so for the next two months, for one full hour every working day, I played football by myself, roamed around the corridors, dug out earthworms and threw stones at the mango tree in the adjacent compound in a quest that one day I will be able to make strike one little mango. It however did not last long. If the mango tree had a glass window near it, it is not your mistake that the stone aimed at the mangoes cracked the window. As a 7 year old you think you can get away with it if you kept quiet about it. But not if the occupant of the house complains to the principal and not if you are the only one in the entire school premises to have the licence to roam the campus.
And so for the next year and three-quarters I spent my one free hour at the biology lab that houses preserved specimens such as meek looking snakes, a human kidney, gory lizards and a plastic skeleton.
While it was not entirely comfortable to have a skeleton to provide you company for an hour and your 7 year old male ego prevented you from confessing that you were pissing your pants at the look of it, you can always bank on your parents to move schools for you soon.
And they did. This time I was back to the state where the only second language I studied was the first language of the state and the second language of the school. But there was a problem again. I did not study a second language for the last two years to cope up with the rigours of a 4th standard class. You can always tell the teacher that your little brain with insufficient training will not accommodate the language after a two years break or that you wished to establish national integrity by not being biased at learning just that one second language. But it doesn’t work that way if the teacher happens to yet another bullying teacher who made your little life miserable.
Note: I learnt to read and write Thamizh reading Siruvar Malar from my neighbourhood library. After more than a decade I enrolled myself today into the local library and it brought back memories of my first library. I wanted to write about it and instead my confused, in two minds,uncertain, indecisive levelhead scribbled yet another nonsensical post.
There is an added advantage if you moved states. If you are stubborn enough to tell the teacher that the second language you studied in your entire 3 years of schooling and the new second language that the new school taught were different; and that your little brain could not accommodate the new second language; and that you wished to maintain your cultural integrity; and if that school did not have a teacher who can teach the second language of your choice, you don’t have to study a second language. It happened to me!
And so for the next two months, for one full hour every working day, I played football by myself, roamed around the corridors, dug out earthworms and threw stones at the mango tree in the adjacent compound in a quest that one day I will be able to make strike one little mango. It however did not last long. If the mango tree had a glass window near it, it is not your mistake that the stone aimed at the mangoes cracked the window. As a 7 year old you think you can get away with it if you kept quiet about it. But not if the occupant of the house complains to the principal and not if you are the only one in the entire school premises to have the licence to roam the campus.
And so for the next year and three-quarters I spent my one free hour at the biology lab that houses preserved specimens such as meek looking snakes, a human kidney, gory lizards and a plastic skeleton.
While it was not entirely comfortable to have a skeleton to provide you company for an hour and your 7 year old male ego prevented you from confessing that you were pissing your pants at the look of it, you can always bank on your parents to move schools for you soon.
And they did. This time I was back to the state where the only second language I studied was the first language of the state and the second language of the school. But there was a problem again. I did not study a second language for the last two years to cope up with the rigours of a 4th standard class. You can always tell the teacher that your little brain with insufficient training will not accommodate the language after a two years break or that you wished to establish national integrity by not being biased at learning just that one second language. But it doesn’t work that way if the teacher happens to yet another bullying teacher who made your little life miserable.
Note: I learnt to read and write Thamizh reading Siruvar Malar from my neighbourhood library. After more than a decade I enrolled myself today into the local library and it brought back memories of my first library. I wanted to write about it and instead my confused, in two minds,uncertain, indecisive levelhead scribbled yet another nonsensical post.
17 June 2009
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